I think random and selfish thoughts almost constantly. For instance, today I went to the bookstore to buy the colorful pens that are so light they’re almost pencils. This venture was to fulfill my fall celebration of the day: buy new school supplies! So I bought a planner (because one isn’t enough), tape, and about 500 pens. The cashier knew me; I must have one of those faces. And while *Evan* was ringing me up and laughing about my pen addiction, I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be so romantic if he showed up at my office one day with a bouquet of these pens (just like in You’ve Got Mail) simply because he knew I love them. I’d marry him in a heartbeat.”
Or if a guy comes to my office during the day bearing a coffee offering. I would marry him. Trouble is the only guys who bring me coffee are either married or dating already. Apparently the thoughtful guys are the ones who date, leaving the unthoughtful guys for the singleness pool.
So that got me thinking application. If thoughtful guys date, then thoughtful girls date too. But I’ve tried that. When my ex-crush was sick, I’d make him chicken noodle soup. When he had a hard day, I’d buy him his favorite iced tea. When he was busy, I’d bring him supper. That was two ex-crushes ago, and dating never came up on the table. So then I thought that maybe if I were not so attentive to the guy I was crushing on but was attentive to everybody, I’d get some attention. So I made cookies for rehearsal, I emailed people who needed encouragement, I invited people over for movie nights and snacks.
And here I am today, sitting at home watching New Girl when I could be experiencing the Five Browns in concert. My University provides the fantastic opportunity to let students interact with great art for free. The last time I heard the Five Browns perform, I was a sophomore in undergrad. I went on a blind date with a guy named Marcus who loved his cat and apparently older women also, one of my many outrageous date stories. These artist series opportunities, as we call them here, are fun for girls like me who enjoy dressing up and looking pretty. But the only thing stupider than dressing up for a guy is dressing up for no one. And artist series for me is a painful reminder of my ex-crush, and the ex-crush before him, and my present crush, none of whom know I exist. So here I am, sitting on my couch, eating candy corn, and watching New Girl. I mean, I know it’s just an unrealistic TV show, but how does Jessica Day go on Jury Duty, argue with a guy for two minutes, and end up with a free coffee and a phone number?
But here’s what I’m learning: I will never be smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, interesting enough, kind enough, funny enough, thoughtful enough, enough enough to be loved unconditionally by another human being. And it doesn’t matter as much as I think it does now. Because my God loves me unconditionally, and I didn’t have to bring Him coffee or iced tea or cookies to get Him to notice me. I didn’t have to do loving, unselfish, thoughtful, kind things for Him to choose to love me. He loves me no matter what. He pursued me when I was busy looking everywhere else for happiness. So even if I never get married, even if I never fall in love, even if no one ever falls in love with me, even if I live alone for the rest of my life, God is enough.