I apologize for being negligent in recent weeks. With six hundred students and studying for four graduate classes, my blogging time is limited. I am not complaining, however. I have found these last weeks to be some of the most rewarding of my twenty-four years. (Yes, I had a birthday during this lapse!)
I have learned a lot during the start of this semester. No matter how well you think you know someone, there is always more to be learned. I have learned that Fishie is dating (yes, the same Fishie who told me he would never date anyone). I have learned that one of my friends is, in fact, more moody than I ever wanted to believe. I have learned that one of my friends is more intentional than I ever gave him credit for. I have learned that one of my friends is better kept locked in another room. I have learned that generosity does not excuse lying. I have learned that thoughtfulness is key to good communication. I have remembered that I hate flirting in all its forms. I have realized that drama is perhaps the most obnoxious quality in a female. I have learned that talent is generous. And through these “friends,” I have learned a lot about myself.
I like safety. I choose friendships based on trust. That statement sounds smooth on the surface. But in reality, all I mean is that I don’t trust people. I don’t trust them to care about me. I don’t trust them to tell me the truth. I don’t trust them to be kind. I don’t trust them to be generous. I don’t trust them to understand. And then when I finally do choose that handful of trustworthy friends, I inevitably get disappointed. To me, they are my painstakingly chosen, I-am-trusting-you-with-my-life friends. And I am just another number in their phones. I am just another face on the sidewalk. I am just another meal plan. But I choose them because they are safe. I will never become attached to them. If I lose them I’m just losing another meal plan or another face on the sidewalk. I can find another number in my phone.
I am not condoning my actions or my attitude. I know that I should love people more than I do. But I hope my “friends” out there will forgive me if I don’t want to share my prayer requests with them. If I don’t want to tell them how my day was. If I don’t want to have a singspiration with them. If I don’t want to go watch a movie with them. If I don’t want to share myself with them. I don’t trust them.
My desires are simple. I’m like a toddler in many ways. Toddlers get excited about worms and about dirt. They hobble over toward their mommy and show her the dirt. She keeps the dirt. She prizes the dirt–because her baby prizes the dirt. That’s what I want–someone to prize my dirt. And until I have friends who prize my dirt, they won’t receive anything from me but dirt. I have a lot of it. And I’m waiting for someone to share it with.