Today I feel that I have finally come full circle in a small spiral that I call my whirlwind, the strongest thus far but not the last I am sure. Time goes so quickly; you only notice its presence after it’s gone. It has been several months since I last talked to Fishie. I haven’t mentioned him in a while so let me refresh your memory. He was the person I built my entire life around for five years. I want to offer some hope for anyone who is going through a breakup right now. I really do know how you feel. I was there four months ago, and I never thought I would be “okay” again. I never thought I could feel “whole.” I never thought I would laugh from the inside-out again. But I’ve come full circle. And now I am okay, I do feel whole, and I laugh constantly. Why? I divorced myself from my sin.
That sounds radical, I know. And I didn’t want to admit that I had been the problem, hence a relationship that lasted five years when it never should have been at all. Every relationship is different, and I can only relate what I have learned through my failed attempt. But I hope that what I share now will be an encouragement to someone.
People have told me that my “mistakes” with Fishie were not my fault, that I hadn’t done anything wrong. I am thankful for those kind, loving people who looked past my sin and chose to see only good in me. But in reality, I did sin. It may not have been the sin Fishie prescribed—being manipulative and controlling. It may not have been the sin his parents attributed to me—being too dependent. But I had an idol. I loved someone more than I loved my Savior.
I began this blog when I went on the month-long love detox. Although the “program” gave me stuff to do and actions to avoid, the detox is not really what helped me in the long run. Yes, I used the time to try and break some bad habits, but it wasn’t until I finally confessed my sin before the Lord that I had peace. I have to be honest; the peace did not come without cost. Sin has consequences; mine was a suffocating cloud of guilt. To know that the pain I was experiencing was my own fault, the result of my choices, the result of me holding Fishie up as god while I tried to be god too. I praise the only true God that He is jealous and will not let His children forget who He is. Yes, I spent at least two months wallowing in self-pity, that no one could ever love me now, that my personality was in itself sin, that I had messed up too much, that I couldn’t be forgiven. But (isn’t “but” a wonderful word?) my God already forgave me for that sin, all my past sins, and all my future sins. He has already paid the price for my sin so that I don’t have to pay it. I don’t have to wallow in self-pity because when God looks at me, He sees Christ. I have freedom now because of Christ. I couldn’t have ever reached that freedom if I had never admitted my bondage. I couldn’t be whole without admitting my brokenness.
This weekend I went to the Greenville Library to check out a book, and it occurred to me that the last time I had been to the library, I was on the first week of my love detox. Then, I was looking for a movie to distract me from my pain. This time I was looking for a children’s book called The Silent Boy. Then, I was looking forward to a desperate “get me as far away from Fishie as possible” trip to London. Now I am drinking a London fog while ordering pictures that I took while I was in France. Then, I couldn’t understand why the world was still moving forward when I felt left behind. Now I look forward to the future God has planned for my life, whatever it may entail.
Many well-meaning people have told me as I’ve grown up that as soon as I give my desires to God (namely my desire to be dating someone), He will meet them. That did NOT happen for me. I did not give up Fishie and meet someone else. No other human has filled the void that Fishie left. No human should. God filled the void for me. I am by no means perfectly content in my singleness. I battle every single day. But I have Someone far better to turn to in my loneliness. I have a Friend who will never leave me or forsake me. I have Someone who chose me before the beginning of the world and who pursues me when I am far away from Him. Why would anyone need more than Christ?