I do not want to be one of those middle-aged women who thinks of nothing but her own painful history. The truth is I can’t change my past. I can only live in this moment with everything I am and look forward to the certain future I have ahead. However, I can certainly learn from my past. To not be so quick to give my heart away. To forgive myself for my faults. To depend on the one Friend who will never disappoint. To embrace the people God has brought into my life while I can. To love and let go of the ones who need to move on. To be thankful for each day. To seek those things which are above. To stop trying to make everything perfect.
I can’t change my past, and I don’t know my future. I know everyone struggles with loneliness in different ways and for different reasons. I struggle when I think about my future. I know what I wish for, and my present circumstances make my desires seem impossible. When I am in a situation (like this past weekend, for example) that makes me absolutely giddy with happiness and overflowing with love, I am terrified of when it will end, as it must. No moments last forever. I want to lock those memories in a box forever for safekeeping. But when I look at them and stroke each one late at night, I remember that the moment is over and don’t know if the future contains any more memories to be cherished. All I am guaranteed is the moment in which I am alive and breathing right now.
This morning when I woke up exhausted and grumpy, I chose to be thankful. For my morning. For my job. For my apartment mates. When I got to the endocrinologist and had EIGHT VIALS of blood taken from my right arm, I sang and laughed and made the nurses laugh. When I got to work, I ate a cheese danish and drank a white chocolate mocha while planning what I was going to do for my best friend’s birthday. When I got home from work just now, I embraced not being able to work out at aerobics today (the reason being that I had EIGHT vials of blood taken from my right arm) and made supper for my apartment mates.