Week 4 Day 3: Hang Out Day 3
I thought that after “breaking up,” my emotional roller coaster would lessen. It hasn’t yet. I went from being ashamed to being angry to now–just being frustrated. I want to feel a sense of closure to this relationship that never should have been. But there cannot be closure when I am being blamed for all the wrong, and words that I want to say but cannot say will never be said. However, Sunday school reminded me that God can give closure; He can give peace. My circumstances may not be peaceful right now, but He gives the gift of peace in the midst of my storm if I will accept it. And I want to.
But then I go into the morning worship service, and the message is from the Song of Solomon. Exactly what will make me feel better. Not! But strangely enough, I was vastly encouraged. Even the best marriages have rough times. As humans we shift so easily from believing in covenant love to believing in transactional or compatible love. I just got out of a “transactional” relationship. I had fully given myself to someone who did not want the responsibility of loving me in spite of my sin. Shame on me for pursuing that friendship knowing Fishie did not care for me. But…I have a relationship with my Savior that is not transactional or compatible. His love for me is covenant love. I do not always hold up my end of the bargain. I do not always love God as I should (probably never). I sometimes believe that He is “out to get me.” But the reality is that God sees me with my past, He sees me with my sin, He sees me with my baggage, He sees me with my struggles, He sees me exactly as I am, and He still chooses to love me and take me just as I am. That picture is perfect love. And that’s the kind of love I want to hold out for.
And just for the record…I had a great day of hanging out. Austin and Josh came to church with Andrew and me. Andrew and I went to the Nachtergaeles’ house for lunch after church. Community group was a blast like always. And Andrew came to watch the football game at my apartment while Heather and I watched The Princess Diaries. Excited for tomorrow and what it will hold.